ivan neophytovïch
ivan neophytovïch

the other day ivan neophytovich had to go shopping. trains were not going to the "pferdemarkt" and to "blagbaz" it was also too far to adventure. "so be it!" decided ivan neophytovich and went shopping at "semion's." across the street from there was a big department store where fine suits shirts overcoats and underwear hanged from the hangers. although ivan neophytovich craved nourishment for his suit ha had already and his shoes were in pretty good condition too. with that in mind ivan neophytovich stopped at "semion's" and acquired a chunk of mortadella with a little even-weighter and half a pound of dutch cheese. it did not smell too good in the fruits and vegetables department and he went out of it quickly. in the bakery section he discovered fresh french bread still warm and very appetising. he bought two small loaf of it and had a little chat with the baker woman about life. upon entering the street ivan neophytovich suddenly discovered a great sense of self-righteousness upon himself. without futher ado he returned swiftly to the sweets section of "semion's" and acquired a whole pound of them best chocolate-covered candies. with the paper packet in his hands he proceeded to the smith (although some would argue it's proper name was grasshoper) street where a certain retired widow were biding here time. today madame provided a stoff of wild berry liquor of here own devise and with all that ivan neophytovich got lucky to score a little nap in the afternoon.

* * *

spending the night in deeply phylosophycal discussions about football made ivan neophytovich quite hungry. very well along his way was a pretty joint called amongst people simple the "machinegun" although all the automatic machines delivering sandwiches and pastries were long gone from there it was still possible to score there nutritious zrazy with kissel or even simple factory-produced pelmeny and snatch a pound or two of fresh veal liver pastete for the dinner with an instant gratuitous glass or two of bubble water with double syroup. these expectations did not fail to disappoint ivan neophytovich for as soon as he entered the joint he did not discover iron vials of carbon monoxide and of pleasant appearance flagoons with sweet fruit syroup. instead there were piles of pastries and all sorts of other cream cakes. zrazy pelmeny and pastetes were also not there and to add an insult to the injury little kafeteria with although horrible coffee was replaced with some polyester wander also barricaded with bar stool. here ivan neophytovich had to exit the joint prematurely (to even bigger dissent) and rush by some students of architectural college procede directly to the bakery and consume a freshly baked bun stuffed with meat or even wih potatoes.

* * *

today ivan neophytovich craved for himself an adventure. he thing was that yesterday he had liches and new fresh or we might even say young blood has hit him in the head (although we shall say that ivan neophytovich was not an old man). headed by the adventurous spirit ivan neophytovich decided to hit the big gastronome on what formerly was known as german street. of course a dull simpleton for which ivan neophytovich did certainly not account himself for would take a train but not! even this morning while taking a dump he already outlined the possibilities! it would be quite straightforward to advance over the former fishie street although all arenaceous and stinking of automobiles to a boot but to admire a certain quiet little pass to enter upon the glorious city square all surrounded by concrete testaments to human's glory and thunderous trains full of aforementioned humans on the other end of which square to enter the formerly known as german street wrestling himself though the masses approach the lustrous destination. as much as aluring was the thought it appeared to ivan neophytovich that by a small sacrifice of passage through a tiny university's street where were trains and a little grill house full of degenerates by crossing the most inconvenient street crossing in the known universe it would produce and opportunity to stroll through the quiet old university lane and proceding no less delighted over the park with alittle pit stop at the bakery for a freshly baked bun stuffed with meat or even with potatoes sneak through the small street and arrive at the aforementioned destination. all these feats of topography made ivan neophytovich so tired that he went to bed and did not go anywhere at all.

* * *

once upon a time ivan neophytovich desired some pickled matjes herrings which he intended to consume sort of in a dutch manner with freshly boiled young spring potatoes and juicy thin-sliced onions. the proprietor in the shop weighed him one matjes herring and on the second one accidentally ripped the head off. on that one madame in the line yelled:
-- they are so brutal to fishes in this shop!
and a man standing next to ivan neophytovich noted:
-- it's not enough for them to kill poor fishes -- they gotta reap their heads off!
in turn iva neophytovich declared:
-- this fish is now dead and smells! give me another fish!

* * *

on sabbath ivan neophytovich liked to go the track and this time it was just the occasion when his favourite pony named "agrippina" was riding. on the way to the track ivan neophytovich made a stop in order to nourish himself with a freshly baked bun stuffed with meat or even with potatoes and thus he became late and missied "agrippina" completely.

* * *

ivan neophytovich was standing on the v.i.p. tribune observing the victory day parade. mighty tanks and rockets all shining in celebration paint were pompously rolling through the square. ivan neophytovich was exploding with pride for each of these machines had something inside that was invented by him. ingenious engineering solutions without each of wich none of these metal monsters would be possible -- this one had a special tungsteen thermal coating and that one had a titanium pipe connected with another. in front of his eyes were flying blueprints and gallons of ethanol-rectificat that were had drunk during those sleepless nights.

* * *

today ivan neophytovich decided to fry himself some potatoes. meticulously he peeled the skins and picked out all the roots and other σμεδ or paracides and working tools. into a fair amount of melted schmaltz ivan neophytovich threw all the spliced potatoes. here it became time for the mighty onion. while busy ivasn neophytovich received a note from the neighbouring female of the opposite sex who was picking chickens n the kitchen that it might be a good idea to cover them potatoes with a lid for they might not cook proper. ivan neophytovich could not find a reason why that would be wrong and followed. whipping he continued to cut them onions. here became the time that the neighbour woman suggested that the fire should be lowered for them potatoes might get burned. ivan neophytovich silently followed what seemed as a sound advice. at this point ivan neophytovich adventured into his room for them tea pot and cups to make some tea. upon return ivan neophytovich discovered most initiative woman podndering with a fork nto his potatoes mumbling something about the whole house getting burnt. at this point ivan neophytovich silently merged the iron with potatoes perfectly into the womans face and advanced directly to the bakery for a freshly baked bun with meat and possibly even with potatoes.

* * *

once uppon a time ivan neophytovich set on a trip to acquire a matjes herring for he craved to consume some of it in a dutch manner together with fresh joung potatoes and freshly cut onions. the proprietor woman put one fish onto his pad of wrapping paper but for the second fish she accidentally ripped off the head. at this point one woman in the line expressed:
- they are so cruel with them fishes at this palce!
and a man next to ivan neophytovich in line grrimly noted:
- for these peoples it's not enough to kill the fish -- they gotta rip thier heads off!
with all due facts ivan neophytovich declared:
- this fish is completely dead and smells aweful! i demand another!

* * *

on the night of ivana kupala ivan neophytovich decided to poke for some crawfishes. to that event ivan neophytovich had gathered two buckets in wich he stuffed with a pair of long unterwehrs and t-shirt to cover against the later morning sun and also a cut of rye bread together iwth a round of kupaty he got from his sister and a golden onion. with all them little thingies making a man happy ivan neophytovich loaded himself onto the city tram heading to zhuravliovka. the dawn was setting and the day was promissing to be the most excellent. ivan neophytovich organised a fire with smoke goimng over the water for them shellers would be attracted to it. armored into the t-shirt and long unterwehrs ivan neophytovich went along the coast dragging aside one of the buckets and throwing into it letargic crawfishes. one of them shellfishes became awake and snatched upon ivan neophytoviches finger and one was rough and another was tough and it bastard went right into the bucket. both buckets full ivan neophytovich gave 'em water to live and threw kupaty onto them <> coals and cut some of them tomatoes with apocket knife. ivan neophytovich came home already at the high sun and workers going to their ways on the tram were throwing jelous looks at ivan neophytoviches buckets with all the movements under the covers. along the way ivan neophytovich had acquired a bunch of dill and without any delay became into boiling them bastards with some salt and all. at this point it came to ivan neophytovich that nobody of his homies were around and nobody of his friends would be able to join at the moment ivan neophytovich put all of them red beauties on ice and went to the bakery for a bun stuffed with meat or maybe even with potatoes.

* * *


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